Monday, 29 October 2007
Welcome to Delfff News
This Blog offers an Alternative View of our Sailing Club
It will always be tongue in cheek, provocative, topical and lively but never offensive or
obscene
Content can most easily be read by clicking on the links on the right of this text
Your own contributions and feedback will be most welcome by e mail but cannot be published directly on the blog to ensure control of the content.
Enjoy.
Bosun Stolen
Delf is reeling, shaken to its core, by the theft our Bosun.
The details are sketchy but it seems, The Bosun, Dan McDirmid, 83, was idling by the gate contemplating the last contradictory missive from the Sailing Committee when he was roughly, seized and driven away.
The theft was reported to the authorities and a nationwide search began.
Initially the motive was thought to be sexual. It seemed there was an international network of Bosophiles – until the website, www.Bosuns-in-rut.org turned out to be an RYA Charity for overworked Bosuns.
It is now thought the theft was by organised criminals, who targeted their victim and used him for their criminal purposes.
Your reporter was given an interview by a former Flag Officer, who preferred not to be named. When I asked him about Dons status in the club he replied “Don is a Cult. Yes that’s it! - an absolute Cult!”
We were all pleased to learn that our Bosun has been recovered. He was found abandoned on a Motorway and is now safely back on the premises.
The details are sketchy but it seems, The Bosun, Dan McDirmid, 83, was idling by the gate contemplating the last contradictory missive from the Sailing Committee when he was roughly, seized and driven away.
The theft was reported to the authorities and a nationwide search began.
Initially the motive was thought to be sexual. It seemed there was an international network of Bosophiles – until the website, www.Bosuns-in-rut.org turned out to be an RYA Charity for overworked Bosuns.
It is now thought the theft was by organised criminals, who targeted their victim and used him for their criminal purposes.
Your reporter was given an interview by a former Flag Officer, who preferred not to be named. When I asked him about Dons status in the club he replied “Don is a Cult. Yes that’s it! - an absolute Cult!”
We were all pleased to learn that our Bosun has been recovered. He was found abandoned on a Motorway and is now safely back on the premises.
Race Management System - Exciting New Developments
Electricity was in the air when your reporter was granted an interview by the RMS system developers.
I was taken blindfolded to a secret location and taken into a room with no windows which has special cooling systems to maintain The Masters brain at a constant temperature when he is using more than 10% of his enormous intellect.
The Master was seated at his computer, while his fool, who also crews for The Master, capered about and gibbered.
The Master was surprised that lady members had no difficulty using the system whereas a number of male members preferred to use egg timers, quill pens, whistles, flags and worry beads instead of the system.
I was shocked by the next revelation. It seems the system has now reached such a state of perfection that it is no longer necessary to run races!
All the data from the last 2 seasons has been integrated into the latest version of the system – about to be released.
All that will be required, to calculate the results, from the start of the next season will be
· an up to date list of boats/helms
· the wind direction and speed
· a sample of Louise’s urine
For the first 2 months of next season races will be run, in parallel with the system, to confirm the accuracy of the system and thereafter the boats will be laid up allowing members to concentrate on mowing their berths and attending Social Events.
The next meeting of the Sailing Committee is likely to be lively!
I was taken blindfolded to a secret location and taken into a room with no windows which has special cooling systems to maintain The Masters brain at a constant temperature when he is using more than 10% of his enormous intellect.
The Master was seated at his computer, while his fool, who also crews for The Master, capered about and gibbered.
The Master was surprised that lady members had no difficulty using the system whereas a number of male members preferred to use egg timers, quill pens, whistles, flags and worry beads instead of the system.
I was shocked by the next revelation. It seems the system has now reached such a state of perfection that it is no longer necessary to run races!
All the data from the last 2 seasons has been integrated into the latest version of the system – about to be released.
All that will be required, to calculate the results, from the start of the next season will be
· an up to date list of boats/helms
· the wind direction and speed
· a sample of Louise’s urine
For the first 2 months of next season races will be run, in parallel with the system, to confirm the accuracy of the system and thereafter the boats will be laid up allowing members to concentrate on mowing their berths and attending Social Events.
The next meeting of the Sailing Committee is likely to be lively!
Striking new installation
Members have reacted in a variety of ways to the new Installation next to the club house.
A series of multi coloured barrels have been placed in an arrangement which takes account of ley lines, the phases of the moon and the zodiac.
The Installation is called “Bugger me!”
It is a dynamic representation of the relationship between the members and club management. It suggests the frustration felt by the Committees by the low level of membership participation and the high level of expectation and willingness to complain.
A series of multi coloured barrels have been placed in an arrangement which takes account of ley lines, the phases of the moon and the zodiac.
The Installation is called “Bugger me!”
It is a dynamic representation of the relationship between the members and club management. It suggests the frustration felt by the Committees by the low level of membership participation and the high level of expectation and willingness to complain.
Lonely Hearts
Laser Sailor (17) Would like to meet English Mistress featured in Tabloids last week
Ancient Mariner (own teeth) Would like to meet short sighted alcoholic nymphomaniac – must have own wetsuit
Keen lady racer (assertive) Would like to meet male in age range 15 – 35. Ideal weight 8st height 6’ 8”. NS. Nsoh. Appearance unimportant but must have pulse.
Ancient Mariner (own teeth) Would like to meet short sighted alcoholic nymphomaniac – must have own wetsuit
Keen lady racer (assertive) Would like to meet male in age range 15 – 35. Ideal weight 8st height 6’ 8”. NS. Nsoh. Appearance unimportant but must have pulse.
Forthcoming Events
Gentlemen’s Smoking Evening
This is likely to be the high point of the social calendar over the winter.
8.30 Welcome by Flag Officers (in drag)
8.40 Bare knuckle boxing
8.50 Final of Rear of Year competition
(Sponsored by G*l Wetsuits)
9.0 High fat, low fibre, high salt and sugar meal
(served with excessive amounts of alcohol)
9.30 Boat Race – drinking contest
10.0 Ladies wrestling in mud
11. D0egenerates into general brawl.
Decorations may be worn but fairy lights are not encouraged
For further information we strongly recommend you do not ask Social Secretary
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